It has been two weeks since the finale of HBO’s R-rated Riverdale knock-off, Euphoria, aired to glowing reviews. Everyone wants to talk about how the show found its earnest heart, and whether Jules will come back, and how all the teens may be doomed by sexting and drugs, but no one wants to talk about how East Highland’s football team is a big bag of trash.
In the finale, we learn that heading into the last game of the regular season the football team needs “a W” to head to regionals. These are regular football stakes. In fact, the entire sequence of football clips in Euphoria’s Season 1 finale is just goth Friday Night Lights. But we are led to believe that the team’s luck may be changing because their quarterback has returned.
“Nate Jacobs is going to unify this ball club,” the TV announcers (?) of this high-school football game proclaim right after declaring that the team has been “struggling.” Here are some things that make Nate Jacobs a good quarterback: he is tall (6-foot-4), he is very in shape, and he has a chip on his shoulder so large it is amazing he can throw the ball at all without it stabbing him in the face.
Presumably, the team has been in bad shape because Nate Jacobs was suspended from school. Why was he suspended, you ask? Oh, because he choked his cheerleader girlfriend Maddy so badly that she had his handprints bruised onto her neck and only managed to sneak his way out of trouble by framing a perfectly innocent man for rape and demanding he confesses to the abuse while planting a witness who he was blackmailing.
Should Nate go to prison probably forever and never be allowed to talk to women again? Almost certainly. But that is not what we are here to talk about. What we are talking about is how the East Highland football team is awful to watch. Read More
